The Worst Day of Her Life

When my mother was sick, any time the phone rang, I reflexively cringed. Although she wasn’t living with us, we were the front-line defense for any issue at the nearby assisted living center where we had moved her after my father’s passing.

In addition to other issues, my mother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. After three years of dealing with her disease, we were more fortunate than some, in that she still had about 50% lucid moments. There were also times, though, when she couldn’t remember my children’s names, that I wasn’t sixteen or that she had lung cancer and COPD.

“I breathe just fine,” she’d say while cursing at the staff for insisting she wear her oxygen.

Shaking off my Pavlov response to the center’s number popping up in the caller ID, I picked up the receiver.

“Hi Melinda, we have a situation with your mother and we need you to come out,” the center director said at a more frantic pace than usual.

After caring for someone with Alzheimer’s for a while, I’d learned to triage the chaos the symptoms caused. Refusal to wear her adult diaper (because she didn’t remember having an incontinence problem) would require one level of engagement. Her trying to leave the center because she didn’t believe she lived there would be another. Thankfully, over the years, we had developed a good, trusting relationship with the center staff. When the director didn’t immediately tell me what was going on, I knew we were probably looking at some kind of Deafcon 1 scenario.

“She’s not hurt, but I really need you to come as soon as you can. I’ll explain when you get here.”

I heard the noise of the commotion from my mom’s room from down the hall when I entered the center. The door to her room was open. The center director stood in the doorway and two staff attendants were in the room.

Tears streamed down my mother’s face. Short and frail, in her Tinkerbell nightgown and clutching her vintage purse, she looked like a crying child.

“Why won’t you help me find him! We have to find him,” she yelled as I entered the room. Upon seeing me, relief overcame her. “Melinda, these charlatans won’t let me call the police to find Pete.”

I spent the next couple of hours trying to help my mother understand that her husband of forty years had died, that he wasn’t coming home to take care of her and that the police couldn’t help her find him.

Hearing me saying it and reading his obituary was as painful to her as the morning she found his cold body on the bathroom floor. Added to her grief was an overwhelming shame and sadness that she hadn’t remembered something so important to her.

Looking back on it, I can pinpoint that day, that event, as the day my mother died. Sure she physically fought on for a few years after but her spirit had left the party.

Last night I caught an interview Seth Rogen on a news show talking about his testimony to Congress regarding his Alzheimer’s foundation. His mother-in-law has the disease. It was a great interview and I hope you’ll watch it. Unfortunately, a lot of Senators didn’t even bother to show up.

Today Alzheimer’s is the 6^th leading cause of death in the US, affects 5 million people and costs our country $203 billion dollars annually. It is the only cause of death that increased from 2000 to 2010. Every 68 seconds, someone is diagnosed. If you’re looking for a great book on the topic, I highly recommend my Lotus Lit agency sister Nancy Stearns Bercaw’s book Brain in a Jar.

Both of my parents had cancer. My father, after beating cancer, died of a heart attack. I can truly say that there is no worse disease, no crueler way to die, than Alzheimer’s.

Solving a riddle as complicated as the brain isn’t easy. As Seth points out, right now, the biggest obstacle to treatment and a cure is money.

So this is a shameless plea for you to give. Give to Seth’s foundation Hilarity for Charity. Give to Cure Alzheimer’s (the highest rated Alzheimer’s charity).

If you can’t give, but want to help support the fight against this horrible disease, please help share my post or links to the foundations through your social media network. Social Media buttons are below. Thank you!

Writer Wednesday - Finish It!

One of my top ten all time favorite movies is Chariots of Fire. If you've never seen it, it's worth your rental money. A mix of sport, history, religion, love, inspiration and hot guys in tight shorts - what's not to love.

While talking to a couple of my critique partners recently, I was reminded of a great scene from the movie.

For those of you without video access, one of the main characters, Eric Liddell, gives a speech comparing getting through life to running a race:

You came to see a race today. To see someone win. It happened to be me. But I want you to do more than just watch a race. I want you to take part in it. I want to compare faith to running in a race. It's hard. It requires concentration of will, energy of soul. You experience elation when the winner breaks the tape - especially if you've got a bet on it. But how long does that last? You go home. Maybe you're dinner's burnt. Maybe you haven't got a job. So who am I to say, "Believe, have faith," in the face of life's realities? I would like to give you something more permanent, but I can only point the way. I have no formula for winning the race. Everyone runs in her own way, or his own way. And where does the power come from, to see the race to its end? From within. 

Of course this quote is much more powerful when delivered with a Scottish accent :)

I have two critique partners (waving hello to them) who are fantastic writers. But they are struggling to finish their work. They both can give genuine reasons why they haven't - jobs, family, kids, illness...and of course, all of those reasons are valid. I struggle sometimes too.

For these two writers, though, I think it's more than that. I think they haven't been able to finish because they don't believe - they don't believe they are good enough or they don't believe they can.

I tell them all the time - a certain magic happens when you finish something. Suddenly you are a person who can. And how you think about yourself and your tasks, whether it's writing or anything else you are striving for in life, becomes different.

But to embrace that magic, you have to finish.

"So where does the power come from, to see the race to its end? From within."

To my very excellent critique partners (and all of you out there struggling to finish something) - close your eyes and believe. You are worthy.

"You Worry about Youself"

Photo via Ryan Hunley from YouTube

As either a parent or a kid, at sometime in your life I'm betting you have either said or had said to you something comparable to one or more of the following:

• If Jimmy jumped off a bridge would you follow him?
• I'm not Sally's mom
• You've got plenty of lumps in your own potatoes (one of my mom's favorites). Similar sentiments include things such as "since when is your garden free of weeds" and the biblical oldie but goody "Let he without sin cast the first stone".

Last night I caught myself leveling the "You worry about yourself and let your sister and me worry about her" variation of this. The momism fling occurred in reply to my four-year-old daughter's insistence that her sixteen-year-old sister should have to go to bed at the same time as her so that she's not cranky.

And that's when I had an aha moment and realized maybe I should be taking my own advice.

As my day had worn on, I had hit a place where I felt overwhelmed with the tasks in front of me. Not because I couldn't accomplish them, but more because I felt like even if I did them, it probably wouldn't matter. The conversation in my head went something along the lines of the following:

• OMG. My twitter feed fills up with 1000+ tweets a second. I bet everyone else's does too. Nothing I say is going to get through that noise
• Another link reminding me that even if I did finish or publish my book there are 300,000 novels published every year. How will anyone ever find mine?
• Do you know how many established blogs there are out there? Why would anyone read mine!
• Great, another update on google's algorithm. No recognition for guest posting now. No one is ever going to find me.
• The majority of businesses still fail within in the first five years and there are more businesses being started now than at any time in history.
• This one article alone list 35+ places I should be delivering content to. I will never keep up.
• Sigh. "So and so Queen of my occupation" is so much better than I am. What am I doing?

I'm sure you have some variation of this self pity party that you play in your head sometimes too. As we look around at the vast activity that happening in the social media space, it's easy to get lost in the feeling that we will never break through all the noise and be heard. Whether we're starting a new business, launching a new book or other creative endeavor, the fight for discovery and recognition is the same.

Of course, the answer to all of these self doubts is "so what, what are you going to DO about it?" You've chosen to do whatever it is you're doing. Hopefully, you've put together a plan to support your ultimate goal. None of the above sentiments, even if they are all true, will get you any closer to reaching said goal.

That's not to say that you shouldn't review your plan or where you are in regards to your competition. Self awareness is important. Realistically, though, you don't have a lot of options. The only choices you have are to quit, change your strategy or work harder on the one you have. 

And, if you notice, all of those options are personal decisions as well. No one in the great "out there" is going to make that choice for you. So in the end, there's really only one thing we can do:

"You worry about you."

If you are feeling overwhelmed by the vastness of the universe and your place in it, like no matter how much you try to push the rock up the hill you just don't seem to be moving it at the same pace as everyone else, STOP. 

Put on the blinders. Work your plan. You worry about you. And the rest will take care of itself.

Magic Monday - Ode To The Story

I'm one of those "count your blessings" people. I believe in silver linings, possibilities and being grateful for what I have while I reach for the next level. Magic Mondays celebrates that.

     One of my favorite Tedtalks is from Daniel Crosby entitled You Aren't That Great. If you haven't ever seen it, I urge you to spend the twenty minutes it takes to view. In it, he postulates that if you are one in a million, with six billion people on the planet, that means there are 6,000 people on the planet exactly like you.

     I spent last night watching the new PBS episode of Sherlock. It's one of the few TV indulgences I allow myself.

     This weekend my four year old and I discovered a previously hidden cache of books; a holdover from our move. They previously belonged to the older kids and were meant to be handed down at some point. When we opened the box, her face beamed and she was quite sure she'd hit the jackpot.

     My dad worked for the same place fore forty years. He was a metallurgist. In the arrogance of his youth, he was sure he could revolutionize the way steel was made. In his early career, he implemented a redesign of the standard blast furnace. Later in his career, he traveled to client sites helping to troubleshoot quality issues in the steel. That a coal miner's son had even made it to college and into management, is a story all on its own.
     When he passed away, a bunch of his work group showed up at the funeral. While they were there to pay their respects, many of them also came to see each other again, to swap stories of the old days.

     These stories bonded those men, as much as I'm bonded to other fans of Holmes and Watson through the hasthag #Sherlock. As much as handing down favorite stories bonded my girls this weekend.

     As an author, we're often enamored with words. The way they sound in our heads and rolling off our tongues. The way the perfect word choice can illicit one emotion over another or the way the a subtle change in emotion can be garnered through that choice. With authors, and many readers, words are big.

    This weekend I was reminded of the power of the stories delivered by those words to connect us. Stories do more than entertain us or move us. They represent who we are. They tie us together.

    I think Daniel Crosby is right that it's true that I'm not great. We're not that great. We even may not be that unique.
   
    But we all have a great, unique story, a story that can inspire, entertain, move, inform or, most importantly, bind us to others. On this Magic Monday, I'm grateful for stories.

What are some of your favorite stories and how have they touched your life?

---------------------------------------------
Like my blog? Never miss a post with updates delivered directly to your email

Enter your email address:


Delivered by FeedBurner

5 Tips for Getting Back on the Wagon After You've Stopped Writing

I'm in a long distant friendship. Luckily we're the types of friends that don't need constant communication to maintain our bond. Every time we get back together after some lapse, we usually fall right back into lockstep. That's both a gift and a curse.

There are times when other things have taken my attention and before I know it, a couple of weeks have passed since I communicated with my friend. At that point something strange can happen - I start to feel guilty for not communicating.

You would think that would be a push for me to pick up the phone or drop an email. Human nature being what it is, I'm now aware that that feeling can cause me to do the exact opposite.

I put it off longer. Sometimes that's because I'm still in the throws of things. I know I don't have time to write the lengthy communication that's in my head and writing something short seems "less than". Sometimes I just feel bad about not having done it and rather than dealing with that feeling I avoid it.

When this occurs, the more time passes, the more intense the feeling becomes and the more I avoid it.

Of course, this experience can apply to lots of things in life. Like working on a novel. Or, in my case, keeping up with social media.

You would think that the answer is simple  - duh, get going!

But I've found that to be easier said than done. Starting again is hard. I'm sure a psych major in the group could lend something scientific to the conversation to corroborate the feeling I have that keeps me avoiding my task. I so wish I could just get going.

But here I am. So If you are like me, and find that you have fallen off the wagon of doing something you very much would like to do, but are struggling to get past your feelings for neglecting your task to get started again, I offer the following tips.

1. Recognize out loud that this is where you are -
   You have to get honest with yourself that you are in avoidance mode. You have to admit that you are in this place because you feel ashamed that you let your goal go or that you feel like a failure or that your mad at yourself for your poor time management skills or whatever personal demon is tied up in this for you. For many people, it's not as simple as "I got busy and then it got hard". From my experience, if your procrastinating restarting, there is usually something bigger tied to it.
    
2. Review how you got there and look for ways to keep it from happening again -
   In September I had a death in my family. This was my derailing event. I spent October in mourning. By November I was off to the Nano races. Then came the holidays and the need to edit my nano book while my day job was light during said holidays.
   
   But looking at closer, those things just exasperated the fact that I didn't have a good social media plan in place to start with. I stopped writing my blog because every post required a lot of thought as to what it was going to be. I didn't have any articles in reserve and I wasn't all too sure what I wanted my blog to be when it grew up. So when derailers happened, I was eager to use them to avoid dealing with bigger underlying issues.
   
   I was going to recommend this as a last step. But as I was working my way back on my own wagon, this step was important in helping me to get through the next steps. I now have a plan to deal with the above. And having that plan makes starting again easier because I know I'm more likely to be successful this time. Sometimes the answer is just "stuff happens" but often times there are bigger lessons to learn if you go looking.
    
3. Work up to it -
   Of course the obvious solution to fixing this dilemma is to just dive back in. But I've found for me I can't do that. My internal systems recoil at the thought of it. Whether it's getting back on to the diet train or the writing wagon, if you've been struggling to make the leap, I highly recommend that you set a date in the future. Everyday think about it happening. Roll over in your head what you need to do to prepare. It will still feel awkward on the day you are supposed to start. But it won't feel as awkward as it would have. You'll have regained some of the momentum you lost from stopping even though you haven't done the deed.
    
4. Ask for help -
   Find a friend or loved one who you can share your shame with and your plan for overcoming it. You need to let yourself off the hook and it's easier to do when someone else tells you it's not the end of the world. The understanding you get will also help you want to stick to your plan for relaunch.
    
5. Dive in -
   In the end, you still just have to man up. It will feel awkward (this does for sure). But you will stumble your way through. I promise. It will not end in disaster. And in fact, you will feel a sense of accomplishment once you are a few days, posts, chapters, friend communication exchanges (or whatever fits for progress in the wagon you are trying to climb back on) into it.

For me, I'm hoping this marks a more thoughtful return to my social media adventure. I'm coming back armed with a better plan for success.

How about you? Have you ever quit something you didn't want to and then had a hard time starting again? If so, what tricks worked for you to get going?

NaNoers -- EAT THAT FROG!

Happy NaNoWriMo! A writing friend asked me the other day if I had any time management tips to help her get through NaNo. Here’s what I told her:

“Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.” -- Mark Twain

Confession #1 – I am a not-so-closeted self-help junkie.

One reason I gravitate towards them is because they inevitably offer great stories.  Even books where the advice doesn’t quite fit you (and I’m not sure I’ve ever read one where I didn’t pick up at least one new thing) can be appreciated for the telling of a good story or two.

Confession #2 – I tend to buy self-help books the same way I do fiction – Cover Art. I’m one of the 22% of readers who give great importance to a book cover. I’ve found some of my most favorite books this way – Big Stone Gap, Garden Spells, The Last Time They Met (whose cover is much more impacting in a book store than on line). I’m also a sucker for clever titles.

So when I saw the above book several years back from Brian Tracey, my intrigue went to high and I had to have it.

Thank goodness, too. To this day the premise of the book is a go-to strategy that has snuck in my subconscious, and, like a song earwig, springs itself on me, usually when I’m under a false impression that everything is hunky dory fine.

Eat that Frog is based on the Mark Twain quote above. Tracey re-frames the quote so that your frog =’s the hardest, hairiest, rottenest and (probably) most important task you have to do in any given day and it should be tackled before any other thing in your day.

Frogs are also tasks we are most likely to procrastinate. Like getting our words in each day for NaNo.

Eating your frog first thing sets up your day to end well with easier tasks, and it ensures you’ll have energy to clear your list because you accomplished something big first, which is energizing. If you have two frogs to eat in any given day, his advice is to eat your ugliest frog first.

He goes on to offer 21 tactics to help support finding and swallowing those croakers.

So to answer my friend - whenever I find myself overwhelmed by my to-do list, I go frog hunting.

What’s your best advice for surviving Nano?

Can Stella Get Her Groove Back?

(photo courtesy of Bob from the chive.com)

A Creator’s guide to surviving the winter of our discontent when tragedy strikes.

 “Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven by some demon whom one can neither resist or [sic] understand.” – George Orwell, Why I Write

My four year old is in a blocks phase. Actually it’s a tower phase. She’ll build a tower with almost anything that presents itself – those jelly collections at the pancake house, vegetable cans from the pantry, the new pile of library books…

I admit that this is an OCD game I can get behind. I love to see how tall we can get the tower before it starts to wobble, before the architecture cracks at the bottom and causes the top to finally topple.

Several weeks ago my family experienced the unexpected, tragic death of a close family member.  As regular readers know, I was already in the middle of a major life transitionwith a cross country move and change in employment, all of which are on every top “life stressors” lists for a reason.

Since the funeral, I understandably haven’t been myself. It was enough to send my creative balance toppling.

The emotions of creative types often live at the surface and run deep. That’s a good thing, serving us well as we channel it into whatever creative endeavor we’ve chosen.

This latest event was a reminder of what a delicate balance the whole thing is - too much emotion and we are blinded, unable to produce or produce at our best, cascading into a spiral where we end up chopping off our ears or obliterating ourselves with cocaine (no worries, my ears are still attached and I'm not in need of rehab. And, no, that's not the denial talking).

So what’s a girl in mourning who typically writes lighthearted, funny mysteries to do?

For me what’s suffered most is my social media “platform building”. This blog for instance which hasn’t had an update for weeks. Anything even remotely twitter related…I want people to go away. At least for a minute. I need time to process, to get back into balance.

My writing (thankfully) hasn’t suffered. I’m not writing comedy, but I’m writing. A new WIP I’ve had churning for a while. I won’t know if it’s any good until I get past my current funk, but words are hitting the page and that means there’s at least a foundation to edit against.

In the meantime, I’ve been contemplating others in my situation. I’d previously posted 25 things to do when you just can’t write.

But this is different. This is how to get writing again. Or what to do when you shouldn’t  be writing because that balance just isn’t quite there. Because tragedy. Or life.

What follows isn’t one of those “you should do this” list. Managing emotion, grief, sometimes depression, for any creative type is such a personal thing, often cultivated over years. But if you're recovering from a tragedy or even an all around snapping turtle blues rough time, it might give you just one new idea, one different perspective, one extra thing to try that might help re-balance your stack. 

Here’s what’s been helping me get my way back to center:

·         Be Physical – Scientifically proven to be better than antidepressants. A lot of writers find walking a big comfort. Me, I demoed my bathroom. Nothing like a five pound sledge smashing into porcelain tile, followed by the revving sound of the saws-all as it clears the drywall. Seriously, better than therapy.

·         Lower Expectations – Happy is not the goal if you want to be happy says the geeks. Productive, good goal. Not sad – I’ll take it. Out of my pajamas earns stickers on the star chart.

·         Create Anyway – Writers write. It will probably suck. It will feel awkward. You’ll know it’s not your best work. But, magically, it will help. It will heal. It will be a release.

·         Mixed Media therapy – If you’re a writer, paint. Painter? Sculpt. Your insides are probably longing to create still and doing something in a media outside your norm will give your ego permission to suck and do it anyway which will allow for the above bullet to do its thing. I’m currently experimenting in pumpkin and candy corn.

·         Routines Help – eat, sleep, work, kids, write time…the same thing, every day. Routines allow the body to function so that the mind can work through its stuff unburdened by having to make every day decisions.

·         Meditate – Every day for 20 minutes. Whether you manage to do it well or not, the act of trying, the act of practicing stillness, will allow the soul to take a timeout

·         Purge – find a friend you can unload to, write a letter that spews it all out, join a support group…find a way to get it out in a safe place. See writing as a healer link above

·         Give Yourself Permission - Tragedy is supposed to suck and grief moves at its own pace. Get off your own back and give yourself permission to feel like awful for a while.

·         Ask For Help – I don’t know many people who are good at this. This comes with being a Type A with a bunch of Type A friends. But sometimes we have to realize it’s our only option for moving forward. Whether it’s something small, like asking those around you to carry a bit more until you’re back on your feet, or spending some comfy couch time with a pro, you owe it to those who love you not to let your balance issues get too far out of control. Asking for help isn’t weak. It’s what gets strong people through tough times.

Many of you have sent warm wishes and good thoughts. Thanks for that. Those help too. So does your patience while I’m working to re-balance.

Creative friends – what’s your go to for restoring your balance when life knocks you down?